10 Things That Unionists/Protestants Do That Harm Northern Ireland's Place in The UK

In no particular order, your humble narrator has decided to splutter some observations onto the interweb thing.

These observations all revolve around the mind-boggling actions of a people who claim to cherish their place in the UK but cause more trouble for HM Government than all the other UK nations, colonies, Crown dependencies, overseas territories or even Commonwealth countries put together.

And then blame it on the F*nians...

1/ UBER BRITISHNESS

Although many people in England are proud of being English and British like the Scots who are proud of being Scottish and British like those Welsh who are proud of being Welsh and British or the Manx who are proud of being Manx and British the same cannot be said for the inhabitants of Northern Ireland.

They are (by and large) either simply Irish or British (apparently).

This causes a great deal of confusion to manys a tourist.

Now, lets be clear. Your narrator can enjoy a great last night of the proms waving a fleg, singing rule Britannia with the best and worst of them. It's not the pride in being British that the narrator scorns, rather the rejection of any kind of pride in having a unique culture of one's own.

Why is this detrimental to Norn Iron's position in the UK? Well, it makes it harder for the overdue and long deserved merger of the two communities to happen and ensures the never ending merry-go-round of hostility can be opened whenever the political classes need a few votes.

2/ FLEGTARDS

 

Simply put:

They embarrass the Protestants of Northern Ireland

Everyone in the mainland thinks we're all nuts.

Their protests cost the Crown money.

When people in England realise exactly how much money they'll be more amenable to the idea of getting shot of Northern Ireland.

Want to stick it to Republicans so badly?
 Want to 'fight for Ulster'?
 Well, how about taking over the Antrim and Down GAAs? It could be easily done in Ballymena, Ballymoney, Carrickfergus, Larne, Glenarm, Ballyclare, Antrim and North Down.

There you can cause a ruckus and get concessions.

Not by burning your own city during the busiest time of the year.


3/ NO ANTHEM OR FLAG FOR NORTHERN IRELAND

As long as Northern Ireland uses the Ulster Banner and God Save the Queen for football games then there's very little chance of Catholics coming to support Northern Ireland.

No Catholic support then no national pride.

No national pride then a limited time in the Union.

FACT.


4/ LIVING IN DENIAL

Since the troubles started there has been a solid exodus of educated Protestants from Northern Ireland.      At the same time there has been a steady increase in the Catholic and ergo Nationalist community.

There has been NO effort to make the UK option palatable to the Nationalist community, ever (well, arguably at its very inception, the jury's out on that one).

Everyone knows that Northern Ireland needs the Catholic vote to survive.

But the people who can make a difference such as the Loyalist bands, the Orange Order and indeed the IFA (see above) do nothing about it.

Feel free to make a suggestion but be prepared to be told why they can't (won't) do anything till Sinn Fein do something. Seemingly oblivious to the fact that this state of affairs suits Sinn Fein nicely;

"Ah, so you'll only start to make yourselves more appealing to the nationalist community and thereby set back our plans for a united Ireland IF we make the first move? Hmmm, let us think about this one. for maybe another 50 years..."

Here's some things loyalists could do to make the idea of Northern Ireland more attractive to the Catholic community and help steer them away from nationalism/'unificationism':

*  Get a  flag for Northern Ireland (The Ulster Banner is defunct, has been for decades)
*  Have a Northern Ireland Anthem
*  Condemn all bands that carry the banners of groups that murdered people
*  Condemn all bands that act in a non-Christian manner outside places of worship
*  Stop nick-naming bands with names such as 'The KAI' or 'The KAT'
*  Stop threatening security personnel outside catholic pubs as they parade by
*  Stop asking Bobby Sands if he would "like a sausage supper"
*  Exercise the right to sometimes not walk down a certain route. (on which point, surely it would be better from a Protestant point of view to allow Protestant shops to benefit from the parade as opposed to those on the contentious route?)

These small steps will go a long way to helping make Northern Ireland more palatable to the Nationalist community.

Your humble narrator is pretty confident that Sinn Fein would not like Northern Ireland to be more palatable to the Nationalist community as it fiddles with their plans for a united Ireland.

Just saying like...

5 UNIONIST POLITICIANS

After decades of fear mongering they can do little else. They can't be too progressive because they've spent such a long time breeding suspicion and fear amongst their electorate.

Speak against the tribe as it wanders over a cliff and you'll be deemed a Lundy, so they have little choice but to continue along the increasingly pothole filled path of 'No surrender'.



6/ FEAR OF ALL THINGS GAELIC 

PADRAIG POST: Not a threat to the Union.

In fairness, this one is (PERCEIVED to be) pretty much the fault of Republicans who have hijacked the Irish language.

But the gusto to which Protestants have taken in turning their back on the language of their ancestors is startling.

Ironically in Scotland most Gaelic speakers are free Presbyterian. Just sayin'...

Just to ease you all in, if you have the following surnames, then you had a Gaelic speaking ancestor:

Any surname beginning in Mc/Mac, such as McDonald, McCrea, McCoist, McMaster, McKay, McClure, McLennan, McClean and so on and so forth.

Anglicised Scottish Gaelic names: Boyd, Buchannan, Campbell, Douglas, Ferguson, Bryce, Gilmore, Gow, Gowan, Keil, Keogh, Patterson, Sinclair, Taggart, Morrison

Anglicised Irish surnames: Burns, Colgan, Garvin, Kane, Kilroy, Downie, Dowie


These names are all popular Northern Irish names.

So if you have a name like this in your family, then someone somewhere along the line of your family spoke a form of Gaelic.

Just saying like....

As did Edward Carson.

And Gusty Spence.

And the RHC's motto is in Gaelic.

As was the Anti-Home Rule movement; "Erin go Bragh"




7/ "NOT AN INCH" AND "NO SURRENDER!" 

This has been the main downfall of the Protestant Unionist community at every turn.

It may have started with the Siege of Derry.

There, they understandably cried "No Surrender!" and as luck would have it the fat incompetent commander of the Jacobite forces brought knives to a gun fight (small artillery) so the almost indefensible city had a lucky escape.

It's akin to a supermodel escaping a night in 'Rape Alley' because all the rapists had small penises.

Anyhow, since then it's backfired, observe:

HOME RULE CRISIS:

Objective - Keep Ireland as part of the UK

Worst case scenario - Ireland as a part of the Empire, with the British Monarch as the head of state and the Protestants as a very influential class (they controlled industry, the banks and were the top brass in the army)

Attutude -  "Not an inch"

Result - Partition, an eventual Republic to the South which had nothing to do with the Crown or Empire and a confessional state that served as a cultural and religious focal point for Northern Ireland's Catholics.


CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT:

Objective - Keep the taigs down

Worst case scenario - That there would be some form of equality in Northern Ireland for the non-property owning class. Catholics (and other "undesirables") would have have the vote.

Attitude - "not an inch"

Result - A deadly mix of nationalism (British and Irish), socialism, religious based agitation and heavy drinking on a Friday night leads to almost civil war. Then the army come in to (sort of) save the Catholics. Then the Catholics start shooting them. Although the prods have the first crack at it. etc etc. Not to mention the fact that Catholics (and other "undesirables") received the right to vote.


SUNNINGDALE AGREEMENT:

Objective - Oppose any form of power sharing

Attitude - "not an inch"

Result - 25+ years of chaos, an exodus in educated Protestants. And Power sharing with the 'IRA'.


ANGLO-IRISH AGREEMENT:

Objective - Oppose the implementation of the agreement

Attitude - C'mon, guess...

Result - Maggie tells everyone to get bent. Paisley achieves nothing. As usual.


DRUMCREE & THE GARVAGHY ROAD 1995:

Objective - March down the Garvaghy road

Attitude - "No surrender"

Result - still waiting...


BELFAST CITY HALL AND THE 'FLEG' 

You don't need me for this one...

I think we get the idea and the total returns on that strategy.

So, let's apply this thinking to the following problems for Unionism:

1/ Unionists need Catholics to prefer Northern Ireland over the Republic otherwise it'll die.
See above for suggestions.

Likely Unionist response - No Surrender and a complete cluster f*ck



2/ Unacceptability of the GAA to Unionists

Well, it's a toss up between manning-the-f*ck-up and joining it, enduring pain for a few years and ultimately changing it or doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Likely Unionist response - No Surrender and nothing changed at all. As usual.

Antrim GAA: The first Protestant GAA County? You decide.

8/ THINKING THAT EVERY CATHOLIC IS A 'PROVO'

           


They're not. How much proof do you need?


Let's look at some Non-Provo Catholics:

* Rory McIlroy

If it has an Ulster Fleg it probably ain't a Provo...

* Sir John Reginald Gorman (Captain) CVO, CBE, MC, DL. UUP member.

 

The man has more metal than an Iron Maiden concert


9/ BRITISHNESS VS IRISHNESS

This is a battle that can't be won.

Why? well, a bunch of pesky, smart, intelligent and influential Unionists already stuck their nose into this arena.

They declared over 100 years ago that they were Irish.

Yes, Irishmen in favour of the UK.

Not 'British men in Ireland' in favour of the UK

You can be Irish and British. It is almost impossible to be just 'British'.

http://amgobsmacked.blogspot.com.au/2013/04/culturally-british-vs-culturally-irish.html

10/ FLEGS 

THAT's what all the fuss was about...

Putting them up everywhere intimidates people, scares others and draws battle lines.
The Unionist battle lines are ever-shrinking.
 This is a luxury they can no longer afford.

Plus they sometimes contradict each other;
On the same lamp post one can sometimes see an Ulster flag (redundant), a Union Flag and an independence flag.

NOTE: If you fly an independence flag it shows that you are not happy with the Union. And are probably not a Unionist. Sort it out please.

Integrated Apartheid

Or in Northern Irish schools: "Protestants on one side of the school, Catholics on the other"

The scale of the ineptocracy that we know as the Northern Ireland Assembly grows ever more expensive and incompetent.

Despite being a generally accepted fact by everyone on the planet that sending Northern Irish kids to religiously separated schools is a BAD IDEA the powers that be at Stormont have decided that they know best and will build expensive new campuses to house SEPARATE schools.

A curious move for a group tasked with the goal of creating a shared future.

It would appear they interpret this as 'the very very distant future'.

Sinn Féin, curiously, are seemingly quite keen on keeping the kiddies apart.

So much for 'Ourselves Alone', it's more of a case of 'Ourselves and themuns in the other class rooms down the corridor'.

So, your humble narrator has had a little look to see if there are any valid reasons for supporting this apartheid.

Long story short, 'NO'.

However, let's go through some of the more interesting snippets.:

"Sinn Féin believes in secular education and in multi-denominational schools..." - which is why there is no mention of removing mono-denominational schools from the state system?

"We would like to see the same resources now being given to integrated schools also being given to Irish language-medium schools" - Well, maybe they might, if Sinn Fein would leave the Irish language alone and thus help remove the perception that Irish is for republicans only.

"The past absence of Irish history teaching and the ban-ning and neglect of the Irish language in the school cur-riculum has been at least as responsible for contributing to the problems of society in the North as the absence of integrated education." - 
Interesting point. How is history taught in mixed schools at present? How much does it differ from Sinn Féin's version of history that EVERYTHING is the fault of the British or the hardline Unionist version that suggests 'everything will be all right if you'd leave it all alone'....

In mixed schools there is no reason why Irish can't be taught. Indeed, it'll have access to a wider audience with the other half of Northern Ireland being exposed to the language. This would also help defuse any future potential confrontations regarding Irish sign-age around the country.

Damn it, make it compulsory for a year or two if need be. Or a Gaelic 'history' class where pupils could learn the basic words that are common to both Scottish Gaelic and Ulster Gaelic and learn other principle causes for the language's decline *COUGH CATHOLIC CHURCH COUGH COUGH!!*

Arguably, that could keep the 'Ulster Scots' contingent happy too, adding a Scottish slant to daily education.

With regards to sports, well, there'll probably be loggerheads regarding Gaelic sports.
At first, maybe Rugby and Gaelic football could be the principle sports, over the years the Gaelic games might become more appealing to Protestants. This in turn could apply pressure on the GAA to alter it's 'uninviting' appearance.

Who knows....

This educational apartheid is expensive, unjustifiable and a cancer to Northern Ireland's communities.

The only people who gain from it are those who depend on divided communities i.e. the politicians in charge.

'Marketing' - "Filthy word, deleted from Unionist dictionary"

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN, THE ULSTER BANNER AND THE EVER SHRINKING NORN IRON FAN BASE

PLUS THIS 



EQUALS THIS?

The world's biggest companies spend billions between them on marketing, advertising and psychology.

'Tractor trailer loads' of it if one wants to use a local standard measurement.

The general belief is that if you put across a positive message/image/something that can connect with a certain part of someone's psyche then they will be drawn towards your product. Now, whether that  'something' is related to food/sex/luxury or whatever, it doesn't really matter, there's a marketeer somewhere who knows which buttons to press.

Unless you're a unionist who follows the trials and tribulations of the Northern Ireland football team.

Now, for a group of people born of industrialists (Craig) and generally  wealthy know-it-alls (Randolph Churchill, Lord Carson etc) this trait of modern commerce is somewhat lost in the land of Unionism.

What your humble narrator refers to specifically is the Northern Ireland football team.

The psychological elephant in the room in this case is the illogical use by the Irish Football Association (IFA) of symbols that pretty much turn off half of the population from supporting our beleaguered team.

The symbols in question include the 'Ulster Flag' which although it was the official flag of Northern Ireland at one point, it was disbanded in the early 70's.

It is well known that half of the population of Northern Ireland don't like this flag and it helps to further push them into supporting the Republic .

Another marketing boo-boo is that of using the UK NATIONAL Anthem instead of a regional anthem like they use in Scotland or Wales.


Leaving aside for a while (if you please) the fact that for some reason the UK alone (I think? Open to correction by all means) is allowed to divide herself into 4 constituent nations (no doubt to the chagrin of the Basques) for sporting events one feels obliged to cover the inconsistencies that govern the 4 nations and their approach to their flags and anthems.

 

Happy, Happy, Happy.....








 BUT

   ?????????????


So;

Scotland: Flag = St Andrew's Cross, Anthem (unofficial?) = 'Flower of Scotland'; Result at games = St Andrew's Cross and 'Flower of Scotland'

Wales: Flag = The Red Dragon, Anthem = 'Old Land of My Fathers'; Result at games = The Red Dragon and 'Old Land of My Fathers'

England: Flag = St George's Cross, Anthem = Nothing official so; Result at games = St George's Cross and ...sporting teams bounce between 'Jerusalem', 'Land of Hope and Glory', 'God Save the Queen' and 'Swing Low Sweet Chariot' (sort of...)

Northern Ireland = No official flag (De jure) but uses redundant Ulster Banner (De facto), Anthem = 'Londonderry Air' (at some Commowealth Games) or 'God Save the Queen'.




So, there you go, the other two 'Celtic' countries are happy enough with their own flag and anthem, England, understandably (being the other name for 'Britain') is so-so.

Northern Ireland on the other hand, despite being one of the worst football teams on Earth, still insists on a policy of that embraces the 'UK' national anthem ( England is the only other team so arrogant as to claim it) instead of a regional anthem as well as foisting a redundant flag.

Admittedly, there is very little choice as far as flags are concerned officially as Stormont has as much interest in creating a flag for Northern Ireland as JD wetherspoons has in creating a nice pint.

But, having said that, your humble narrator has noticed that many Irish pubs have started flying IRFU flags instead of tri-colours, why don't the IFA do something similar until (or when/if) there is a new Northern Ireland flag?

https://www.facebook.com/newniflag



What about this one? Hmmmmm?

So.

Surely it makes sense, in 'business terms' to have a flag and an anthem FULL STOP?

Even better if that flag and anthem can include the other half of the population?

The main argument against such a move?

Yes, you guessed it; "No Surrender!"

To have such a logical and business savvy move would obviously be giving into the popish plot to overthrow loyal Ulster.

Much better to subvert this plot by being completely sh*te at football and have no football competitions to look forward to as well as seeing potentially half of the local talent (literally, not homosexually) 'go south'.

To summarise the whole episode, here is a picture of the intellectual task force that sought reassurance from that IFA that such a logical transformation would never occur.

(NOTE: A poster on the mother of all Northern Irish blogs, 'sluggerotoole.com' (cheers Mick!) pointed out how the afore mentioned uber Britischers are standing beside a Celtic Cross. With shamrocks. And the word 'Irish'.)

"We're not Irish. But we love a good Celtic Cross. And Shamrocks. And the word 'Irish'. And the word 'Ireland'. 

AMENDMENT: Had to tinker with some of the wording above thanks to keeping an eye on a session over at planet Newsletter, lest ye all notice something 'fishy'...

Culturally British vs Culturally Irish - Is there any such conflict?

                British VERSUS Irish or Just British AND Irish?

Recently, your humble narrator has grimaced repeatedly as the great strategic tailspin of Unionism (or now 'the PUL community') has seemingly embraced it's dance with gravity and it's date with a sudden impact on the Earth's surface.

It has done so by making even more references to some sort of cultural battle that is taking place in the Grim North.

Once upon a time people were content to simply call the set-up a pro-British Protestant outfit vs a Pro-United Ireland Catholic outfit, or perhaps more simply put, those who look to London and those who look to Dublin.

It would appear that such a demarcation is no longer sufficient for some and ever more absurd makeshift boundaries are being erected on the burnt-out streets of our culture-scape that increasingly looks more like an Escher painting with it's paradoxical foundations.

So, where to begin?

Well, lets see, does one 'inherit' their identity through the label that is their surname, in a 'similar' vein to the Russians, who, for example, would happily call a man a 'German' (even if that man's family have lived in Russia for half a millennium) simply because his name might be 'Schwarz'.

Let's see (whilst making bold assumptions about their cultural identity)



British (?)                                                                         Irish (?)

Ken Maginnis (formerly UUP)                                          Martin McGuinness (Sinn Fein)

Ms P Bradley (DUP)                                                        Mr D Bradley (SDLP)

Gregory Campbell (DUP)                                                  James Campbell (SDLP)

Fraser Agnew (Unionist, var.)                                            Paddy Agnew (Nationalist)

Danny Kennedy (UUP)                                         Dermot Kennedy (Former Sinn Fein)

Gardiner Kane (Former DUP)                                           Pamela Kane (Sinn Fein)

David McCarthy (former Unionist)      (Is this necessary, McCarthy is as Irish as it gets?!)

Albert McElroy (former Unionist)                                       Pat McElroy (SDLP)




Okay, we get the idea, you could waste a day doing this, trawl through the list of Northern Ireland's councillors and you'll have a massive list of people with the same name, accent and genetic background who would have you believe that they're as different as chalk and cheese.

So, obviously a name is no anchor for cultural fealty (your humble narrator went to a school populated with Unionists and Protestants called O'Neill, Kelly, Lynch, McGuckin....) and it has to be mentioned that 'Adams' is a very British name.

What next?

Maybe there's a straight down the middle divide between British and Irish lifestyles that just aren't compatible?

Let's see.


Gaelic sports and Celtic languages:

An Antrim hurler









So, a Gael playing a stick sport, perhaps there's no British equivalent. Oh wait, hang on....

                          

Hmmm, it appears that over in Britain they have a derivative of hurling called shinty. The chaps in the photo are a shinty team in the British Army.

What about language? Everyone in Northern Ireland speaks English, so, does the speaking of Gaelic push some one into a cultural or political camp?

"yes"

And when I say "yes", I mean "not really".

There's so much material to show that this is historically not the case, here's a few pointers:

http://cain.ulst.ac.uk/issues/language/mccoy97.htm

or how's about some Protestant Irish speakers on the Shankill:

http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/local-national/northern-ireland/census-1911-belfasts-shankill-had-as-many-irish-speakers-as-falls-28733198.html

Not to mention Lord Edward Carson, the 'Father of Northern Ireland' who was a keen Irish speaker.

Edward Carson: Irish speaker and Mega-Brit                          








                             

Also, for a history of Protestant Irish speakers try this:
http://www.ultach.dsl.pipex.com/ForLearners/A%20history%20of%20Protestant%20Irish%20speakers.pdf

A little bird told me that during the first plantation (early 1600's) MOST of the Presbyterians spoke Gaelic.

For those of you who AbsolutelyPositivelyHAVEtoHAVEReligionInTheRoom then try this little snippet:

MOST GAELIC SPEAKERS IN SCOTLAND ARE PRESBYTERIAN

Food for thought.

Red Hand Commando: Terrorist. Pro British. Irish motto. The prosecution rests....

ULSTER SCOTS, pay attention: Interesting point raised by a president of the Australian McLean clan. Upon joining a clan, it is sometimes stipulated that the new member must help preserve 'the Gaelic tongue'.

How this will go down with the new generation of enthusiastic 'Anti-Gaelic Scots' in Northern Ireland remains to be seen: "we can't speak Gaelic, we're Scots*...."

*Funnily enough, the word 'scot' is latin for 'gael'. When will it end?


So, another dead end. The Gaelic languages strip a person of their British identity as much as eating McDonalds does.


Symbols

Every one's favourite topic in the Grim North judging by how Ape-sh*t every one goes over a flag here or a crown there.


The most interesting would have to be THE HAND.

It is seen by many as the most loyalist of symbols (especially by drunk people in Glasgow, DON'T wear a Tyrone jersey on St Pat's day there, it'll only be a matter of time before someone thinks you're Jonny Adair).

Of course, it's hard to find a more Irish symbol.

The only reason it was picked for the Unionist cause was precisely BECAUSE it is an Irish symbol, an Irish symbol that applied to the North, which, was mainly (well just about) Pro-Britain.

Yes. It meant IRISH people supporting a link with Britain represented by a suitably Northern Irish symbol.

NOT a bunch of people from Britain squatting in Ireland demanding that the Union stays.

So, no score there either, the chief emblem of the 'British' side is in fact an Irish symbol.

Music

Right!

Surely the difference between Irish and British music in the Northern part of the Island is so different that any fool could tell the difference?!

Let's compare:

1st: Here's a band of young angry men playing a 'Loyalist' tune (ergo 'British')
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4iQXc-59840

2nd: Here's a completely different band of angry young men playing a 'Republican' tune (Irish?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHiQPJveqZ8

(Apologies for the differences in quality of sound, but your humble narrator believes that the Loyalists have a lot more practice at this sort of thing)

DID YE SEE THE DIFFERENCE!??

No, neither did anyone else.

OK, what about other types of music, lets say, 'Folk' music:

1: 'British' folk music from Northern Ireland
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBWqyO6K2AE&list=PL0FE418196A6EEC9C

2: 'Irish' folk music
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOhuppeg6Is

As different as night and day, eh?


Lambeg Drum

"Well, what about the Lambeg drum? Only Protest...I mean unionist....erm, Ulster-Scots, I mean 'British' people play lambegs! You wouldn't find any of 'themuns' tolerating it as part of OUR culture, would ye?!"

1: The only people who play the Lambeg drum on the Island of Britain usually tend to be Northern Irish people
2: Observe, a lambeg near a catholic area of Belfast (08:40) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsAvTmA_CU4 with no one being offended


The Loyal Orders and the Hibernians

Not even worth debating, 2 different groups of Irish people professing different religious and political allegiances in EXACTLY the same fashion: Marching bands, flags and big gatherings.

To a foreigner they look much the same and they sound much the same.

"NEXT!"

"My God! An AOH band in green kilts and an Orange pipe band in green kilts! Has the world gone mad!"

Finally (sort of)

There's way too much to go through as the whole notion is nonesense, it's effectively 2 very similar groups of people divided by religion and it's associated coat trailing political sheep herding which are looking for excuses to differentiate themselves.

Homework: A favourite jingle of Sinn Fein at the moment is the 'imbalance' of British vs Irish symbols at city hall, a plucked-from-mid-air figure implies that 95% of the paraphernalia is simply 'British'.

One one hand, not overly surprising as Belfast was built during the days of the British Empire. Every major city in the Empire had British symbols.
They also had native ones too.

So, in terms of Belfast City hall, what is a 'British' symbol as opposed to an 'Irish' symbol?

What about, for example, a UVF flag?

An Irish group (of dubious inception), with a an Irish word ('Ulster') and numerous Irish symbols within it's insignia (red hand, shamrocks etc) but with a very pro-British outlook.

Does that make it Irish or British?

Or indeed, 'both'?

Same with other Irish regimental standards within city hall.

And other unionist trophies. The Unionist motto back in the day was 'Erin Go Bragh' (Ireland for ever).



You get the idea....

British? Irish? Iritish? Brirish?

So far, one's conclusion is that people are claiming that their political allegiance is in fact their identity.

A tracksuit wearing unemployed trouble maker in East Belfast who spends his day eating chips and bemoaning his station is no less Irish or British that a tracksuit unemployed trouble maker in West Belfast who moans similarly.

Change of plan - Surrender!

After surveying the scene and discovering a lack of talent and motivation, your humble narrator has decided to change his approach to this whole bloggin' carry-on.

From now on t'll just be a series of vacuous thoughts spilled onto the page.

I've viewed some celebrity blogs and it seems to be a winning formula...

REPUBLICANS STEP CLOSER TO PEACE BY PISSING OFF HALF OF THE STATE

Shin Painn Motto: "Unite Ireland by dividing her thoroughly"

Republican strategists initiated the latest stage of their plan to unify Ireland by further pissing off the community that is the biggest obstacle to their goal of a united Ireland.

Defying logic in what can only be a plan that is too complicated for the rest of us mortals to follow, Shin Painn decided that the best thing to do at Christmas, the traditional time for good will, was to further antagonise the the city's minority, ergo making themselves even less trustworthy in the Protestant community's eyes and polarising the city's milder 'middle of the road' citizens.

A Shin Painn spokesman stated earlier today "Well, you see, there's been a great chat about the number of Protestants who think that a United Ireland wouldn't be so bad and that in such an event Shinn Painn will handle the transition smoothly, delicately and without malice. This move is to reassure everyone that this is absolute bollocks and that we'll do what we want when we want and there's nothing you can do about it Billy-O..."

He further added "it's easy to get away with such things as all we have to do is remind people how bad themuns were to us years ago and start a sentence with "well what about..."..."

Gerry Kelly: "Only when we piss every one off and contradict our goals of a peaceful  united Ireland, will we truly be free"

IABA TO SANDY ROW BOXING CLUB: "IN YOUR FACE!!"

IABA: "Doesn't cater for 'foreigners"

In a triumph of the modern Irish Republican interpretation of democracy, peace-making, fellowship and sportsmanship, the IABA has reacted honourably and measurably to the foundation less allegations by the BBC Spotlight program and Sandy Row Boxing club by effectively telling them all to get bent.

The IABA cleverly softened the blow (no pun intended – ed) by highlighting the female contribution to the sport by Sandy Row: “In fact, the first all female fight in this country included a boxer from the Sandy Row area. In truth, funding distribution of grants to clubs has been weighted slightly in favour of non nationalist areas as was pointed out on the Spotlight programme”

Am Ghobsmacht can expand on this sentiment by reading the first draft of the press release that was found in the boot of a hobo who was sleeping off a skinful on a bench in St Stephen’s Green:

“Sure, what with the sheer number of psycho Millies wandering around Sandy Row wasn’t it only a matter of time before some one stuck a pair of gloves on one and pointed her in the right direction? Anyway, prods are always getting more money anyway, so surely they’re entitled to get a bit of a ribbing....?”

A Shin Painn spokesperson added: 

“Sure don’t prods realise that this is what peace and reconciliation is all about? When a nationalist has to see a Union Flag on a civic building then that’s sheer naked appression so it is, but when a prod is getting stones flung at him and given death threats then that’s just ‘a time for dialogue’, which as I’m sure you know is Republican code for “suck it up ya Jaffa!”.

Am Ghobsmacht applauds this act of brazen ‘get it right up ye huns’ variety of peace and reconciliation.

NEXT WEEK: SPECIAL IABA SPONSORED FEATURE ON RUNNING A SPORTS ASSOCIATION WITH ONE’S HEAD UP ONE’S ASS

Joint First Minister: "Couldn't give a f...."